Self-indulgent musings of a social retard.

Ok.

Yesterday, was spent at the zoo. From opening to closing. Let me just say: there's not much shade at the zoo. I was so friggin hot. I'm not generally a zoo person, but I got these passes from an event I went to last week, which brings me to the Horizons and COLAGE reference. I do fundraising for a non-profit organization, so I get invited to a lot of other non-profit's events. So, the Horizons Foundation is this amazing group that gives grants to organizations doing work primarily in the field of gay and lesbian rights. I went to their annual event and bid on a package at their silent auction that included passes to the zoo and the Exploratorium. I took Bink with me to the event (I pretty much take her everywhere.) A woman from COLAGE approached me to tell me about their kids' programs. (COLAGE is Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere.) Alrighty then.

Then it hit me: I had this impulse to say "I'm straight." That's never happened to me before. I would, in the past, just invite people to think I'm lesbian.

I went through this time in the not so distant past where I cultivated for myself this aura of lesbianism. What I mean is the vast majority of my friends were gay women, primarily, I think, because at the time, I worked in a women's health center, and a lot of the staff were lesbians, and became personal friends. It grew from there. When I lost my job at the clinc, I was doing HIV counseling type work, and found a job as an HIV services coordinator at a gay community center. They didn't ask me if I was a lesbian.

From there, it just kind of grew. I am on every conceivable gay and lesbian mailing list. Which is actually fine. That so many people assumed I was gay worked for me on a lot of levels.

With women, if they came on to me, I could just tell them the truth: "I'm straight, sorry." And there it would end.

With men, I think I convinced myself that men weren't interested in me because they thought I was gay. If that were the case, in my mind, I wouldn't have to examine the fact that I really am undesirable...on a lot of levels.

So what does all of this mean? I'm not sure. But sometimes, you just gotta babble. At least I do.

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